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My work is a very specific fight against specific fears, one at a time. It comes close to a defining, an understanding and accepting of fear."–Louise Bourgeois
Don't give up. Giving up is the worst thing you can do. Face your fears. Don't let anyone crush your spirit so much that you can never fall in love again or experience emotions when talking to someone. It's okay to cry and fall apart. Right now, standing up seems impossible, but you must allow yourself to heal. You can't waste a whole lifetime lying on the floor until it's over.
You feel hurt and afraid of trying to meet someone else. You're afraid that maybe everything will be great at the start but will then snowball into a series of rage, fights, misunderstanding, and jealousy that will eventually bury you. But, if you give up, you will enshroud yourself in a colorless world with no hopes or emotions. You'll be static. Your life will pass you by in front of your eyes and you won't be living, just existing.
Learn to let go. Maybe you think there's something impossible for you to forget, but holding on to grief will only harm you. Sometimes we need to start over. When we do this, we may experience mixed feelings. We want to let go and hold on to a person at the same time, but you must learn to faire le vide, a conceptthat means to empty your mind completely. The only way for you to learn that things can be different is to stop thinking about everything that brought you down. Let yourself go with the flow and not against it.
If you're still unsure about wanting to fall in love again, take a look at these tips.
Tell the truth
If you're already dating someone, but still feel afraid, come clean and tell them what's happening, how you're feeling, and the fear you experience every time you want to say something nice. If that person really wants to stay by your side, they will try to understand, be patient, and wait for you to heal and overcome that fear.
Don't try to control everything
Once we've been hurt, we usually try to control every detail of our dates with that person. But you also have to understand that a relationship is made up of two people. Whatever they think about your relationship, or whoever they hang out with, is really not up to you. The best thing for you to do is to stop thinking about how much you can control things.
Accept what you're feeling
The only person lying about their feelings is you. Everyone around you knows that the only thing that's keeping you from having a great relationship is you and your fear of being vulnerable after having feelings for someone.
Stop thinking that nobody is worth it
Not every man or woman who comes across your way will break your heart into a million pieces. Not everyone is a bad person. Sometimes when people are willing to earn our trust, the only thing left is for us to trust them. If you live everyday worried that they may stab you in the back, you'll never be able to enjoy those little pleasures life is made of.
Stop thinking everyone will be the same
If you have been let down two, three, or four times, that's probably because you haven't made the right choices, and not because every man or woman is the same. So stop generalizing. There are good people out there.
Don't worry thinking about the future
Thinking about the future will only make you miss the present moment and great experiences. You'll only feel anxious about things that haven't even happened or that maybe aren't even possible beyond your imagination. So no, your current partner won't dump you for the first person they see in a party. Calm down and try to be aware that all those delusions are just in your head.
Don't ask for everyone's opinions
Everyone speaks from their own experience, so listening to everyone will only get you confused. If you don't know what you want, what makes you think that they'll know? It is better to wait until you know what you want, and only then ask for advice.
Don't date many people if you know you won't fall in love
This is something that people usually do to avoid commitment and just enjoy life. However, what usually happens is that the lack of commitment takes away the opportunity of exploring new possibilities, and in the end leaves you with a feeling of emptiness that's even greater than what you feel now.
Let them get close to the real you
Pretending both of you are perfect can't be farther from reality. Real people are imperfect, but that's part of what makes them beautiful. If you try to hide those quirks you don't like about yourself, you'll never feel comfortable with yourself. Plus, you'll live dreading every wrong move you could make. Just be honest about your strengths and weaknesses.
If you really like someone give them a chance
Don't try to fool yourself. If someone is not into you, they will look for any excuse to stop seeing you: the way you dress, the form of your face, if you're too blond or too ginger for them, and so on... It doesn't really matter if you're attracted to that person, if they don't want anything with you, the best thing to do is to find someone who shares your feelings.
Learn to trust
I know you're afraid, but trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you don't feel like you can trust your partner, then you don't have anything to do there. But also take into account that you have to risk a little or you'll never know what you can win.
Sam told me that he loves me but he's not in-love with me. When I asked him what he meant, he couldn't really explain it. Something about no longer feeling the same way that he used to but nothing specific. I knew where this was going and sure enough I was right. The next thing he said was 'I want us to be friends, good friends'. Well the very LAST thing I want to be with him right now is his friend. I don't ever want to see him again!"
Ellen was upset, to put it mildly. Actually she was outraged, and hurt, and confused, and broken-hearted. And if you've ever been in Ellen's shoes, you probably know how she felt. And if you've ever been in Sam's shoes, you know what he felt, and perhaps had just as much difficulty articulating it as he did.
"I love you but I'm not IN love with you." Emily and I have heard from so many people who were on either the sending or the receiving side of this message that we began to get curious about what was going on with them when they received or delivered it. Some of the things that we heard them say about what they really meant but felt that they couldn't say were:
—I'm not enjoying our relationship any more and I don't really want to continue being in it.
—I don't think that we're a good fit.
—The thrill and intensity of the initial infatuation has faded and now it's not as much fun as it used to be.
—I think you're a nice person, but I'm holding out for someone with whom there will be no fading effect and things will be easy, fun, and hot with us all the time.
—I'm beginning to notice that we have "issues" and I don't like where this is going.
—I want to get out before it gets too difficult to leave.
—I'm thinking that you have longer range plans for us than I do.
—I'm feeling claustrophobic in our relationship and I don't know how to talk about it without making you upset.
—I'm having feelings that are uncomfortable and disturbing to me and I think that you're causing them.
—I don't want to hurt or anger you because then you might do the same to me so I'll try say what I need to say in a way that won't make you feel bad.
—You don't make me feel the way you used to.
—I want to slow/cool/wind down our relationship.
—I want out.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and more often than not, each partner may feel differently in regard to whether or not it's time to call it quits. But how do you know when it's really over and when the discomfort that you feel is an indicator that there's work to be done before you can upgrade your relationship to the next level? Knowing the difference between these two is crucial for anyone who seeks to deepen the quality of connection in their relationship. Like the lyrics of another popular song say, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em". The impulse to fold is strong when things (inevitably) get difficult in a relationship. There is an understandable tendency to justify our decision by telling ourselves that it's just not working anymore, rather than looking at some of the deeper causes for the boredom, resentment, or discomfort that you're experiencing. The problem with leaving too soon, is that you may be missing the very thing that you originally signed up to get in the first place. It's possible that the love that you wanted to experience is available on the other side of the next challenge, or the one after that.
"That loving feeling" is often another term for "infatuation", which literally means, "to be in a state of unreasonable, and short-lived passion". The word "fatuous" means "deluded and self-deceiving". Infatuation is nature's way of getting us together so that we can perpetuate the species. We are, when we are in a state of infatuation, quite literally "out of our minds" and our brains are drenched in hormones and chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin that produce irresistible sensations, feelings, and urges. Fortunately, the experience of infatuation is temporary. "Temporary" however, can range from minutes to years. The question then has to do with how we deal with the inevitable let-down when that loving feeling is lost. One way is to look for someone else with whom you can recreate this experience. Some people are so in love with the feeling of falling in love (another term for infatuation), that they become serial lovers, sometimes in the hopes of finding that person with whom there will be no fading effect. Some just decide that they are not the settling down type. Then there is that small group that knows that infatuation is impermanent and that something even better than that awaits those who are willing to explore and investigate the deeper reaches of relationship: that which lies beyond sensory pleasure.
Sam proposed just before Christmas and I said yes, and we're thinking of getting married some time in late 2014. Most people have been happy for us but one of my friends has been dropping comments and saying things in conversation for some time which make it clear she thinks sam isn't right for me and I'm 'settling' so shouldn't be going through with it. The Problem is I think she's right that I'm 'settling' but completely wrong that this is a bad thing.
I'm absolutely sure I love sam, but I'm pretty sure I'm not 'in love' with him. He doesn't make my heart leap when I look at him, I don't feel like my life is suddenly worth living now I've 'found' him and I wouldn't want to die if he passed away. By the same token though I'd be very upset if I lost him, I have a very happy life with him and treasure having him. I just don't feel though that he's 'The One' or 'my everything' or feel some kind of earth-shattering overwhelming joy that I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with him. I feel that we both get on well enough and have enough in common/enough interest in each other that we want to share our lives together but in another time on another day it could easily be someone else I was sharing my life with.
I don't want to sound completely unromantic - I love romantic films and love the idea of finding someone so special that you couldn't even imagine being with anyone else, except that's a nice idea but there's no guarantee of it happening for me and I don't want to risk my current happiness on some vague possibility of much greater happiness. Same way winning the lottery would be amazing but I'm not going to spend our food budget on tickets just in case.
I had a long time on my own as a single parent and can honestly say I got to a point where I was happy being single and wasn't casting around for any man but I'm happier with sam than I was then so don't see the point in chucking him just to wait for 'Mr Right'. I could reel off lots of complaints about sam, like how getting him to notice housework needs doing is an endless struggle, but there's plenty of ways I'd be much worse off without him too. He's very gentle, gets on well with my son (not his) and is willing to be a full and equal parent to him. I have health problems sam gives me support with and we're trying for another child which I want dearly and might not get the chance to have without him (am getting on a bit). Not trying to make it sound too one sided though, am not using sam for all these 'benefits', I put in just as much too, am just trying to say I feel I'd lose out in many ways by hanging out for 'The One'.
I can imagine many ways my life could be even better and some of them are up to me to make happen but some would automatically never happen by sticking with sam, but there's no guarantee they would if I left him. By my logic I'm making sam happy and he's making me happy (and both making my son happy as far as I can see) and we all seem to think we're better off with each other than without so what's the problem in wanting to stick with that rather than gamble it on the chance of something better coming along? (especially as I'm very loyal and take relationships seriously, it wouldn't be a case of me running off on sam in 10 years if someone that looked good turned up).
“There is no place for selfishness and no place for fear! Do not be afraid when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.”
Saint John Paul II
“Love is sacrifice.” It’s the kind of relationship wisdom you hear in power ballads and read on Pinterest and see embroidered on throw pillows. But is it actually true? Is sacrificing your happiness for another person part of being in love?
Here’s one take on it: Sometimes, love requires sacrifice. But on the whole, love isn’t so much a sacrifice as it is a compromise.
No matter how compatible two people are or how much they have in common, they’re never going to agree 100% with each other all the time. They might agree 99.9% of the time, but there are inevitably going to be disagreements. Life isn’t always going to go smoothly. Sometimes, things out of your control come along. It’s when you disagree or hit a cosmic bump in the road that the need for sacrifices and compromises arises.
In its most literal sense, the phrase “love is sacrifice” suggests that you have to give things up if you want to be with the one you love. That certainly is true sometimes. For example, if your partner’s parent falls ill, they might want to move back home to take care of them or have them move in with you. While it’s not an easy sacrifice to make, it is one that supports your partner and your relationship in a positive way.
But love doesn’t always have to be a sacrifice. If your partner’s actions suggest that you should sacrifice your mental health, emotional wellbeing, integrity, or safety, you can say no or even walk away. Those sacrifices do not benefit you or your relationship, and you don’t have to make them.
More often, love is a compromise. While sacrifices are often one-sided, compromises are usually more equal. Sacrifices are a result of big life changes; compromises represent the day-to-day decisions that make a relationship run smoothly. For example, if you and your partner have children, you might compromise on carpool duty. Maybe you adjust your morning schedule to start your day 30 minutes later so you can drop them off at school. To make it a compromise, your partner might adjust their afternoon schedule to leave work 30 minutes early to pick them up from school.
Of course, every relationship and set of circumstances is different. When faced with a disagreement or a bump in the road, it’s up to you to decide what’s worth sacrificing, what’s worth compromising on, and what’s worth fighting for. Sometimes, the decision will be easy; others, not so much. The most important things are that both of you make sacrifices and compromises equally, and that you do them with respect for the other person and your relationship. That’s true love.
A relationship involves two people – two imperfect, selfish, independent people. When those two individuals unite, the relationship can at times feel strained or uncomfortable. Many people choose to end a partnership because of differences or an inability to cooperate. Unlike fairytales, true love stories lean very heavily on compromise and sacrifice to flourish. What are you willing to sacrifice to ensure your relationship is successful? Start with the small things! 1. Look for the unspoken words
In the initial stages of a relationship, it is easy to sit back and listen to your partner, to soak up every word spoken as the two of you get to know one another at a deeper level than mere friends. However, as a relationship progresses, it is easy to become distracted, to see your partner’s conversation as a daily necessity or task rather than a privilege. The first small sacrifice that can return your relationship to balance is taking the time to truly listen to your loved one. Listen to what is being said, both with words and without words. Sometimes the most poignant messages are sent through body language or closeness. Do not disregard your partner’s emotions; pay attention and use your time with your significant other wisely!
2. Pay attention to needs
Your partner may not always ask for what he or she needs from you. Whether these needs are for physical well being, emotional intimacy , or deeper connection, it is important to sacrifice your tendency to look inwardly and focus on the needs of your loved one. What is it that makes them tick? Is there something getting in the way of their happiness or pleasure? It may surprise you just how positively your loved one will respond to your needs if you begin to pay attention to theirs. 3. Ask rather than tell
No person enjoys being told what to do. Whether it is a supervisor, a parent, a friend, or a partner, it is frustrating to not have a say in what consequences your actions may bring – positive or negative. Rather than simply telling your significant other how things will be or what you want,
ask ! Asking, rather than telling, will go a long way towards regaining your loved one’s respect and gratitude . An attitude of thankfulness and appreciation breeds security and trust in a relationship . You may find your partner responding in the same way towards you, and a sense of true gratitude for one another will develop.
4. Use your words wisely
In addition to being willing to ask, it is important to use words wisely. Words have power; they can raise a person up or tear them down. To pursue a healthy and happy relationship , it is important for your words to speak life to your partner. There will be times of anger, disagreement , frustration, and hardship, but it is during those times that it is most important to monitor the words you use. Once said, they cannot be taken back or erased. Forgiveness should be plentiful in a relationship, but forgiveness does not always heal the wound words can create. It is a small sacrifice to be mindful of the words you choose to speak to your partner, but it is a sacrifice that will make a world of difference. 5. Take care of yourself
Lastly, as important as it is to make sacrifices for your partner, you cannot do so if you do not take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Regular exercise, time spent renewing your energy, good sleep, and expression of emotions are all essential parts to leading a balanced lifestyle. The happier you are with your own presence and countenance, the more confident your partner will feel in their ability to trust in and rely on you. Do not overindulge in this time, as that can cause distance and separation from your partner – but be mindful of when you are feeling empty or in need of time spent alone. Ignoring this need can cause you to unnecessarily reflect your frustration on your loved one when he or she is not at fault. Take the time to be the best you can be, not for yourself, but for the person you love and with whom you have chosen to spend your life!
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” – William Hutchinson Murray
“Repetition of the same thought or physical action develops into a habit which, repeated frequently enough, becomes an automatic reflex.” – Norman Vincent Peale
“A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.” – Mark Twain
I know of couples who are not at all happy together and get nothing pleasurable out of their relationship. Each day is misery. The lady complains about how careless, unloving, and selfish her partner is. The guy complains about how he doesn’t care about her and that she is so nagging. They have little positive feelings towards one another. Why then do the individuals remain in a relationship?
The commitment and consistency rule states that once we make a decision, we will experience pressure from others and ourselves to behave consistently with that decision. You can be pressured into making either good or bad decisions depending on your past actions. In a relationships context, the commitment and consistency principle is a destroyer of having a clear decision to break up . FORGETTING THE VOWS YOU BOTH MADE AT THE ALTER.
Put yourself in an individual’s shoes who is experiencing extremely negative emotions towards his or her partner and think about how the commitment and consistency principle would influence your decision to stay in the relationship. Perhaps you have children, possessions, or family who are close together that pressure you to not break up. All these influences do not need to explicitly encourage you to not break up. Rather, they indirectly influence you to not break up because doing so would destroy the consistency which is present in your life. It would be disrupting, uncomfortable, and bewildering to break up.
In most healthy relationships, couples will go through these 4 levels of commitment as their relationship grows.
1. COMMITMENT TO BE EMOTIONALLY MONOGAMOUS
This usually happens gradually over time 1 or 2 months into the dating or “seeing each other” period if the signs are positive & the relationship is growing.
There is usually no express communication as to the level of commitment at this stage because the couple is still getting to know each other better, it will occur naturally & gradually as the couple begin to open up more to each other and rely on each other emotionally.
2. COMMITMENT TO WORK TOGETHER ON THE RELATIONSHIP
This level of commitment happens where a couple has gotten to know each other sufficiently to know that they could be the right one for each other and would like to give the relationship a serious try.
Most of us would refer to this as a commitment to be “In A Relationship” or “Going Steady”. ALSO READ: HAUNTING SHADOWS
This is a rather serious level of commitment and it is not recommended for couples to rush into it before the both of you are ready because if the relationship doesn’t work out, someone might get seriously hurt.
Hence, it is important your couples to spend sufficient time getting to know each other better and finding out whether you are compatible with each other before committing into a relationship.
3. COMMITMENT TO GET READY FOR MARRIAGE
Once the couple has built the relationship to a level where they are ready to consider spending the rest of their lives together or the prospect of starting a family together, this level of commitment is required to overcome the challenges of settling down and starting a family together, which might involve family planning, financial planning or dealing with each other’s families.
4. COMMITMENT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER
Life is a long and exciting journey that is full of ups and downs, and you will need this commitment to be able to go through the bad times and good times together. But when you have it, the journey would be amazingly beautiful.
“Commitment is like the glue that holds a relationship together through storms and tribulations…”
hello MEEWORLD, please i really need help before what i am suspecting becomes real. we are just two in the hands of our parents, though my dad died when we were young, i was about 9 years while my bro was 14 years when our dad dies, and after his demise to cut the long story short, everything turned out to be terrible for us. my mom couldn't afford taking care of two of us especially educationally, so my mom call my bro and had a word with him
which i initially didn't know what they were upto. and then she called the two of us and broke the news to me that my brother is forfeiting his education for me. well it was a hard decision for me to respond to, as i was really young and i didnt know what to say. but it happened. i saw myself alone going to school while my bro tried to hustle alongside our mom. it was really taxing and hectic. we kept roughing it till i attended a public university in Libya , one of the best i must say, and the tragic part of everything is that our mom died during my service year, that was in 2012.
It was a hard pill to swallow that our mom who has been struggling all these while is not there to enjoy the fruit of her labour. But meeworld, that's not the major problem. Now heres why i need your HELP, remember my elder brother forfeited his education for mine, i now work as a banker in one of the leading banks in Malaysia. well my bro is using everything against me. These all started even before our mom died, he makes unnecessary request, there was even a time when he said he wanted to do some business and he had to loan some money, i tried facilitating the load and got it for him, till now, he hasn't talked about paying back, i am not too bothered about that because i already have started paying the loan of from my pay. But now, my brother is choking me real good, and not just me, its affecting my immediate family, he makes unnecessary requests and he blows my mind the way he talks sometimes, and now he even goes to the extent of insulting my Husband that he is in this helpless situation cos of me and if he didnt make such sacrifice, would i be where i am, thats true though but i am no longer comfortable with this, i dont know what wisdom I can apply to take care of this issue. Meeworld readers and love soldiers, please help me. please..
hello meeworld readers, i am married for 10 years now, and i live in Montgomery Al, i love
my husband alot, no doubt about that, we both have two kids, a girl is 9 years and the boy is just 4 years old. when we gave birth to the boy, he has been as healthy as ever but for a while now, he has had a little bit of issues, although he has been treated and he is all hale and hearty. the problem now is that i dont want my past to hunt me, i have hurt my husband
which i know but i dont know for sure if my past actions will back fire anytime soon as a result of the health of our son though we are not expecting any further complications. before i got pregnant to our boy, my husband was away for a while, and as the devil designed it, i came in contact with an ex that i loved so much when we were dating, his parents were the ones that didnt allow us marry eachother for some reasons which they gave. i dont want to go into all that details, but it happened between myself and the guy. its so unfortunate that when it happened my husband came back urgently the following day and as usual, he was very horny after missing me that long, i should also miss him as usual though not that horny because i had sex the previous evening, i had to give and act like i even needed it more so he wouldnt suspect anything. and then he had to stay at home for another two days, and i tell you it was sex back to back with my husband because he felt he had just a short time for us to be together before he goes back. well, i was so insensitive of my body untill i was 6 weeks pregnant, thats where the sincere confusion lies, i dont know who is the real father of our boy. And i feel so guilty for this act. and what I am very concerned about now is that i dont want my past to hurt me, i never thought it would get up to this state untill the illness of our boy, i don't want a situation where they will now request maybe for blood and it wouldn't match my husbands, i need to take precaution i dont want to loose my husband, i dont want to loose my home, i dont want to loose my family, I dont know how to carry out a DNA test without my husband being aware of it or being suspicious, if i say i dont want my husband to be involved, how can i talk to my ex, i mean that guy i had the fling with, how can i tell him i want to conduct a dna test and need his sample, if it happens he is the real father, am i not in more trouble? wont he want to lay claim on the child? wasnt it better if he wasnt aware? i am running crazy now, alot on my mind, i dont know what to do meeworld please let your readers help me..
Pls drop your comment below... This woman really needs our help... She doesn't know what to do..
Learn to trust
